Please be aware that my story contains distressing information. I want to share my full story to highlight that extreme cases of domestic abuse happen & also in the hope that I can help other women both escape & avoid this type of abuse

I was in a relationship with who I thought was great guy. Unfortunately not long into the relationship, violence & control started.

To begin with he would check my phone & stared discouraging me from going out to see friends & taking part in my hobbies.

Then one night, out of nowhere, I was sleeping and was woken up by him being on top of me, punching me and pulling my hair. He had been going through my phone & looking at old Facebook messages. He found a very old innocent message from another guy & this sparked his violent outburst.

After this situation the violence & control continued most weeks.

I wanted to end the relationship but every time I tried it resulted in violence and told I could never leave or escape him. I felt trapped.

My spirit was broken & I didn’t know what to do. I believed this must have somehow been my fault & thought that this was now my life.

I didn't think the police would take me seriously & I had no idea where to turn.

On the 12th of September 2018, things took a very bad turn for the worse. He decided I needed to be taught a lesson. He locked me in my home for 3 days and tortured me. He repeatedly beat me, tipped paint all over me & made me lick it off the floor. He smashed mirrors over my head, rubbed glass into me & brutally beat me with an iron bar.

I was left with a broken jaw, broken ribs and extreme bruising.

Concerns were raised by my children’s father & a social worker visited my house. They recognised I was in danger & took me away to a safe house where I was able to get away from my abuser & get help.

The police were contacted & he was arrested & eventually sentenced. The whole experience was & has been very traumatic for me.

I now struggle with complex PTSD and a personality disorder.

Having been through this experience, I don’t wish for any other person to suffer in silence or be subject to any form of domestic violence.

I know how isolating, lonely, embarrassing & frightening it can feel.

 

What happened after I was rescued & the court process

When I think back to the last violent incident that lead to me finally escaping & my attacker being arrested & charged, my mind still struggles to comprehend the whole ordeal.

Wednesday the 20th September 2018 was the day my domestic violence finally came to an end.

After my latest 3 day ordeal & a morning of being punched and kicked, there was a loud bang at the front door. I was told to stay silent and pretend we were out.

Unbeknown to me the father of my two children had raised concerns for mine & my children’s well-being & two support workers had come to my house.

They didn’t just knock once, they went around the back knocking on the back door & thankfully they weren’t giving up until one of us answered. I could hear them say they were not leaving until I came to the door.

I was wearing just my dressing gown, nothing underneath. I had remnants of paint in my hair and over me. I was covered in blood & bruises & could hardly walk due to my ribs being so badly injured.

I was ordered to get rid of them and get back upstairs.

I staggered down the stairs praying that they would still be there.

Was this my chance to finally escape this nightmare? Did I dare answer the door?

As I finally made it to the door I carefully opened it a little & looked at the support workers.

Fear raced through my mind

What if they couldn’t help me?

What if they didn’t believe me?

What would happen to me?

What would happen to my kids?

I tried to cover my bruises in fear.

The couple at the door took one look at me and asked if I was safe?

Petrified & not knowing what to say I instantly broke down in tears.

One of the women took my hand and led me to her car. As she did even more fear raced through my mind.

What was he (my attacker) going to do?

Where was I going in just my dressing gown?

What if he followed us?

What if he hurt the support workers in an attempt to get me?

The car pulled away from my house & off my street & as it did I broke down. I felt like I’d been holding so much for so long. So many secrets, so many fears, so much pain. It was hitting me all at once.

Every part of my body was in pain. My ribs from him beating me, my jaw from him punching me & breaking it, the thumping in my head from the mirrors being smashed over me. There was no part of me that didn't hurt. The extent of the ordeal consumed me. How had this happened?

I was taken to a safe house & the police were called. The officer who came to speak to me was both gentle and patient with me. She informed me that my attacker had been arrested.

Rather than feel relieved, more fear washed over me.

What if he denied everything?

What if they didn’t believe me?

What if they let him out?

If I were to go back home then he would surely come & find me & kill me this time.

The panic set in.

After speaking to police & being initially assessed I was then rushed to hospital. I was struggling to breath with my ribs being damaged and I was also in shock & panicking about everything that was happened.

I was admitted to Doncaster Royal Infirmary. They recognised I was in a great deal of pain and distress. I was sent for x-rays where they discovered I had 4 broken ribs & a fractured jaw which needed emergency surgery. After hearing how I had been beaten with an iron bar there were concerns that I had small fracture on my spine but after further tests luckily this wasn't the case.

After being treated at the hospital I was sent back to the safe house.

Once I was settled down there I just sat & cried. Tears of relief, tears of pain, tears of fear. A big part of me felt somehow free of my domestic violence ordeal while another part of me feared it could all return at any moment.

I had no idea what would happen with the police. Yes they had interviewed me, seen my injuries also arrested my attacker but would they really take it all seriously? Would they believe me? Would they listen to his lies? His charm? These thoughts consumed me.

What if this isn’t the end of this?

The next morning a lovely detective came to escort me the police station to do my video interview. They informed me they had detained Reece & he was still In police custody.

I was questioned again about what had happened. Reliving the ordeal again was unbearable. As I was saying the words of what had happened it dawned on me just how serious my attack had been & I couldn't believe what I'd actually been through.

I realised in that moment that I was very lucky to be alive.

Following my interview with the police I was contacted by social services. I was informed that due to the nature of my domestic violence case, neither myself or my daughters could return to our home. I would have to remain at the safe house & my daughters would have to now stay with their paternal dad.

This was devastating news for me. Although I understood it was for the best given the situation, it also felt like the worst thing that could have happened had happened.

 

My children being taken away from me

I believe this is why so many women fear reaching out for help when they become a victim of domestic violence - being separated from their children or judged for being a bad parent for allowing this situation to happen.

I was returned to the safe house, alone

I’d never felt so alone. Not only was I experiencing physical pain, I now had the intense heart ache of not having my girls with me & also not knowing how long this would be going on for.

How could I have let it come to this?

Why hadn’t I kept us safe?

How could I have let them down like this?

I felt I had failed massively as a parent.

Everything felt like too much to hold & I felt like I couldn't cope.

In that moment I thought the best thing for everyone involved was for me to just not be here anymore.

I attempted to take my own life.

Luckily I was found in time by the staff at the safe house & due to my unstable mental health & my attempt at suicide I was sectioned to St Cath's Adult mental health unit.

I felt huge shame & guilt for my actions & felt like an even bigger burden.

Once at St Cath's the nurses on the ward were amazing with me. They were so supportive and had so much compassion, empathy & understanding for me & my situation. When my mental health became unstable they would always be there with new techniques for me to try & there would be zero judgement. Nothing was too much for them. If ever I felt I needed to talk to someone they were there for me day & night. I’ll be eternally grateful for their help & support.

While at St Cath's I learned that my attacker had denied all charges and was being kept on remand. This eased my thoughts a little as it looked as if things were thankfully being taken seriously. I knew while he was on remand that he could not get to me.

Was I finally free from him?

As a result of being at St Cath’s my mental health started to improve & I was assigned a domestic abuse support worker from a charity called Riverside. It was a man named Mark. Due to my abuse experiences at first I wasn’t sure working with a man was a good idea. I felt unsure. I didn't want to be around another male this soon. Mark was committed to my recovery though & through his professionalism & compassion I began to build trust. One of Mark’s roles was to assist me and my girls finding & settling into a new home. As I wasn't able to leave the ward Mark stepped in & offered so much help & support, something I’m so grateful for.

During this process I was also assigned an IDVA. This is someone who goes through all the court proceedings alongside you & deals with all the multi agencies. They are there to support you & your well-being as well as act as an intermediary should you have any questions with regards to the case. They arranged for me to visit the court before the trial to look round and see what options were available to me. I was shown the victim suite and I was also told how the day would go & what to expect. No question was ever too much and thanks to their help I felt more prepared for the court proceedings.

I spent several months on the mental health ward after I was finally deemed well enough to be discharged. With help from Mark we had secured some temporary accommodation for me & my girls which meant we could be back together again safely.  Despite this we still struggled to settle in. It just wasn't the same as our previous home that we had spent so many years living happily in. We made the best out of the situation we’re in though & were also so grateful to be back together again, especially just in time for Christmas.

The court date was scheduled for April. Thankfully my ex was being kept on remand in a local prison until the court date. This gave me a little more peace of mind & security while we were at our new home. Even so I continued to struggle with my mental health. I kept constantly questioning & blaming myself for the whole situation. I believed I must have done something wrong to make my ex angry & for him to have had all the violent outbursts, including the final attack?

I had months & months of therapy & a CPN who taught me lots of coping techniques to help with my recovery, healing & mental health. I would often feel like a burden but was always reassured by the professionals who worked with me that nothing was ever too much and that I was doing well having all the professionals working with me.

Slowly over time I came to learn & realise that my ex's anger & domestic abuse wasn’t my fault & that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was. He was the one responsible for his actions & they were wrong & unacceptable.

We spent 6 months in temporary accommodation until we were finally able to move to our new forever home.

As the court date loomed, the closer it came the more anxious I would feel. I began questioning whether I would be able to go through with it all. After doing all the therapy I didn’t want to relive everything all over again & I wasn’t sure I’d have the strength. Thankfully I continued to receive incredible support from the amazing support team I had around me. They reassure & gave me the strength to go through with it all. Thanks to them I felt ready as I'd ever be to go through with the court proceedings.

The day before the court hearing, my ex pleaded guilty to ABH (actual bodily harm) GBH (grievous bodily harm) & criminal damage. Even though he pleaded guilty to some charges there are still 6 counts held open on file for him. As a result he was sentenced to 40 months imprisonments & also issued a 10 year restraining order for me.

I continued to receive support even after the court hearing & also probation who managed my ex's case would keep me up to date with where things were and would check on my welfare and mental state.

I feel I have been very lucky with the court outcome and also the support I’ve received throughout the whole experience.

The reason I want to share my experiences is because I don’t want other women to have to go through what I did. I also want to provide hope & strength to those who are experiencing domestic abuse & violence and share that there is support & help available out there & that people do care & want to help.

I always felt trapped, helpless, that it was somehow my fault & that people wouldn’t believe me if I spoke out. I also feared it would lead to more violence & so I stayed stuck in the cycle until I almost lost my life.

I was very doubtful to get help & support however when it was offered & I took it, it not only changed my life, it saved my life.

Not only did it free me from my ex partner & the violence, it has also helped me to process the whole experience. I now have great ways in which I can manage my mental health, PTSD & anxiety. I understand the importance of self care I’m able to better manage my thoughts & anxiety too.

 

I got my justice and I’ve slowly got my life back!

I'm now free from the violence & my abuser.

 

As I continue to learn from my experience, I hope to now help & support others as much as I can.

 

Danielle

The Dragonfly & the Hummingbird project.